Frankie’s 5 Golden Rules for Surviving an Alien Invasion

FrontCover_finalHi, I’m Frankie. You don’t know me. Last year my buddy Dan and I saved America from being overtaken by a sect of alien, body-snatching jelly-slugs. There were ninjas and spy-stuff, and Chuck Norris was there, too. We even met the president. It was kind of a whole thing.

Now, although we were successful in managing to put a stop to their sinister plans this time, it’s very likely they—or some other kind of weird, gooey thing—will try again. Probably soon. In which case you’ll need to be ready.

So—in the event of further takeover attempts, I have constructed a set of rules to follow to guide you through the difficult times that lie ahead.

Ignore them at your own peril.

– Frankie B.

(The CODMaster)

Rule No: 1 – Identify Your Enemy

What kind of alien are we talking about here? Phonies? Greys? Xenomorphs? Slender Man? Is Slender Man even an alien? What the fuck is up with those arms, anyway?

These are questions you need to be asking yourself at this point.

Not all aliens are the same. Which means combating them will require different strategies. For example, E.T has that rapey little finger thing. You know the one. The glowing one. Yeah—that. You don’t want that up your butthole. So—broomstick. Hockey puck. Javelin. Anything long enough to jab the doe-eyed little fucker with whilst still remaining far enough away so as not to get unintentionally sodomized.

Remember: knowledge is power.

Rule No: 2 – Research

You’ve identified your enemy—now comes the research.

Researching can come in many forms—books, interviewing specialists, etc. But if you’re hoping for something to really help you learn about what it is you’re going to be up against, the best place to look is TV.

No, seriously.

Check out your DVD collection for any movies pertaining to alien invasions. You’re looking for any recurring themes, any patterns you can make out that might give some insight on how to better defend yourself when the end finally does come. The Thing is a good one. Or Independence Day. Anything with Will Smith in, basically.

Remember: if it worked for Hollywood, it’ll work for you. Just trust me on this one. I’m a professional.

Rule No: 3 – Arm Yourself

So you’ve got your AK’s and your 9mm’s and you’ve been to the range a couple times. You think you’re safe—and maybe you are. But what if you’re not? What if they don’t work? What if whichever alien fuckhead you do eventually find yourself facing off against is impervious to bullets? What then, hmm?

Assuming you’ve followed Rule 2 correctly, you should already know by this point who your enemy is, and subsequently how best to face off with them. Go grab yourself a weapon. A chainsaw’s usually good. Or a flamethrower. Or a chainsaw that shoots fire. Ha. That’d be awesome. Can you imagine? You could chop down a tree and turn it to ash in one move. You’d be like a Jedi. A Jedi with a fire-shooting chainsaw.

What were we talking about again?

Oh, right—weapons. Go grab one. Do it now, while there’s still time. Don’t wait until the invasion is already upon you. Grab it, then put it somewhere close, somewhere you can get to it at a moment’s notice.

(Tip for Phonies: try salt. No, really. It works. Don’t ask me why, but it does. Weirdest fucking thing.)

Rule No: 4 – Know When To Get The Fuck Out Of There

It’s okay to be brave, so long as it doesn’t get you killed. And believe me, being alive and a coward is better than being brave and dead.

A nice hard-and-fast rule is this—if Kurt Russell couldn’t kill it, it can’t be killed. Period. So don’t even try. Just grab your shit and get your scrawny ass the hell out of there.

Rule No: 5 – And if All Else Fails…

Look, not every scenario is going to have a happy ending. Even Invasion of the Body Snatchers ended on a sour note (spoiler alert: the Pod People won). If you want to survive in a post-takeover dystopia, I’m sorry to say, but you’re probably going to have to become some alien’s bitch.

Make friends with one. Show it how limber and physically accommodating you are. Learn to spoon without crying.

And in the end, if you can do these things, you might just survive.


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